Forgiveness

I know that sounds like a sermon topic, but it has played a huge role in my weight loss journey.

For years I carried around the weight of guilt and condemnation from past mistakes I had made in my life.  I couldn’t forgive myself.  I still remembered.  I still hated myself.  I just couldn’t seem to get pasted the past.  My past was ruining my future.

I did the same thing with my weight loss efforts.  I could not get pasted all the times I had tried and failed on losing weight.  I convinced myself that I could never be successful.  Failure had become the norm for me.

I needed to change something!!!  The first baby step I took was to forgive myself if I cheated on my diet.  Instead of throwing in the towel when I ate something I shouldn’t, I forgave myself.  Sure I blew it, but tomorrow was a brand new day.  A brand new slate;  A blank canvas.  I didn’t give myself permission to continue cheating.  The more I did this, the less I cheated.  It was amazing.  I didn’t have to feel guilty or ashamed anymore.  I gave myself the freedom to mess up and once I did, the pressure to be perfect vanished.  It was liberating.  It gave me the courage to continue and I have.  I haven’t been perfect, but I’ve been consistent.

This month alone,

·        I forgave myself for eating a whole box of Nilla wafers.  Yes, the whole box!  All in one day.

·        I forgave myself for gaining 5 lbs. at Weight Watchers.  The very next week I lost 5.8 lbs. and the next week I lost an additional 3 lbs.

·        I forgave myself for skipping a couple of workout sessions.

Can you see how immediately forgiving myself has actually kept me on track!!  This forgiveness process has changed me in so many ways.  It is essential to anyone’s success.

My current status is down 148 lbs. total.  Only 2 lbs. and I will have shed 150 pounds!!!  AMAZING!  Thank you Jesus.

Remember, by Thanksgiving my goal is to be in “ONEderland”.   

Vacation Conquest

At the end of my August blog, I mentioned that I would be sharing how I did on our vacation to Colorado this year.  Last year whenever we went, I gained 10 pounds back of the 50 I had lost on the HCG diet in one week!  That’s how I knew that HCG wasn’t going to be sustainable for me.  I joined Weight Watchers shortly after I got back home last September.

Well I’m happy to report that this year I lost over 4 pounds while we were on vacation.  Not only did I reach my 100 pound mark, but I actually exceeded it.  What a difference.  I stayed on program almost the entire time.  If you’re thinking I only ate carrots and celery, you are mistaken.  We ate out at least 7 times and met two different friends in their homes for lunch on two other days.  Rebekah and I also cooked meals during the week in our cabin.  We made out menus for 3 meals a day.  My son actually asked me if I was really going to eat all of the stuff that was on there.  My response was yes, in some sort of variation and my portions may be a little different than yours.

We had a great time and I never felt deprived.  I’m telling you that it can be done by changing the way you think, and refocusing your attention on something other than food.  We rode bikes and we also did some walking to earn activity points.  Riding a bike in Colorado is truly a workout for me!  The air is thinner and you start sucking air almost immediately.

One other change that Jerry and I have done is when we stop at rest areas while we’re traveling; we take a 10-15 min walk around the parking lot.  No more stopping for double stuff Oreos, candy and Dr. Peppers.  After we walk, we grab some fruit or a healthy snack and we always, always drink water.

As I’m writing this blog, we are actually on a weekend camping trip.  I have stayed completely on program the whole time.  How is that possible?  I plan for success.  I even knew it was supposed to rain this whole weekend so I brought more reading material, games and healthy snacks to keep us busy.  It’s so funny to look in my camper refrigerator and see stuff like lettuce, raw veggies, low calorie dressing, fruit, turkey products, grilled chicken, etc.  These are items that I use to NEVER take camping.  Now they’re staples for me.

I honestly love my new way of life.  My body is responding to the daily exercise it now gets and I feel so much better.  I have currently lost 145 pounds from my heaviest recorded weight.  I have a goal to be in One-der-land by Thanksgiving.  I’m thinking I’ll actually arrive there early.  Check back next month and see if I did.

It’s official!  I’ve now lost another 100 pounds!  That’s right, this is the second (and final) time that I’ve lost that much weight.  Back in 2003 I accomplished the same goal.  It was a victory that I only enjoyed for a few days because I immediately put it back on. Why?  Because I really hadn’t changed any of my behavioral habits that would sustain the weight loss.

This time is much different.  I have changed in so many ways!  I think the most important change has been in the way I view myself.  Before it was all about how I “looked”.  Since that was not a pretty picture, it tainted my whole life.  All the other “good” stuff that I had going on in my life didn’t seem to matter.  It all came back around to hating the way I looked. 

Don’t get me wrong, I still want to look good.  J  However, I’m not 20, 30 or 40 years old anymore.  I am a middle-age grandmother (I plan to live until I’m at least 100) who is so much more than a number on the scale.  I have a purpose in life.  God has great plans for me and created me for His good pleasure if for nothing more.

Another change is in my relationship with food which I’ve already addressed in one of my past blogs.  I have made a lifetime adjustment in my eating habits.  Whoever penned the quote “nothing tastes as good as being healthy feels” was absolutely right.  I think about the lasting results of anything that I put in my body.

I think it’s quite fitting that I would reach my goal during the same month as the Olympics.  I realize that I’m not an athlete and certainly am not trying to put myself in the same category.  I had the opportunity to read the backgrounds of some of these inspiring athletes and realized that most of them have had setbacks in their own journeys to being successful.  Disappointments, failures, injuries, discouragement, depression, it hits all of us.  The difference is they didn’t quit.  They pushed through, started over, kept training and it paid off.

Guess what?  I’ve done some of those same things.  Even though I lost 100 pounds before and gained it back (plus more), I started over.  I rejoined Weight Watchers for the umpteen time, renewed my membership at the gym, stopped eating junk food, and started taking care of myself.  It was harder and it took longer this time around, (I’m sure that being 9 years older had something to do with it) but I’m pressing on.  I feel like I’m still going for the gold.  I am a Champion in my own journey.  I weighed over 350 pounds at one time and now I’m almost in the 100’s.  Yeehaw!!!

My next challenge:  Going on vacation.  Make sure and read my blog next month to see how I did.  I assure you the outcome will be better than our last vacation because I’m going fully prepared to succeed.

Keeping it real!

I thought about not doing a blog this month since I really don’t have any “goal breaking” news to share, but the more I thought about it I knew I needed to keep it real. What I mean by that is not just sharing my successes but also I need to share my mess-ups.

We all know that we can’t be perfect all the time and I certainly fit into that category.  I still have to fight discouragement and my natural instinct is to turn to food.  My husband was off of work for 10 weeks without pay and that definitely triggered my stress level.  I wish I could say that I handled it perfectly and kept on track the whole 2.5 months, but that wouldn’t be true.  I want to add right here that God supernaturally provided for us during this time and we did not get behind on any of our bills and certainly didn’t miss any meals.  However, it was a daily struggle to keep my mind rooted on good things and not allow negative thoughts to take over.

What I realized during this time was that my battle with food is not behind me.  It’s a habit that I will always have to keep under control.  It really is an addiction and I truly believe that if I allowed myself I could fall completely off the wagon.  The good news is that I now recognize the warning signs.  I handle stress so much better.  Not perfectly yet, but a lot better.

Non scale victory this month has to be the realization that I’m beginning to like exercise.  (I’m not using the “love” word yet) I think what I like is the way it makes me feel afterwards.  It gives me a sense of satisfaction to make my flesh do something that it doesn’t want to do.  I guess it’s a control thing.  That coupled with not allowing myself to eat foods that my flesh craves is double satisfaction!  I AM THE BOSS!!! God has given me authority to rule over my body and I am taking my place!

This month I am maintaining my weight loss.  Some weeks I’m up a couple of pounds and then I’m back down the next week.  My 100 pound goal is still intact.  I will reach it.  It may not be this week or even this month, but it will happen.  I promise you!   10…9…8…7…6…5 – that’s right, only 5 more pounds to reach 100.

My past, present, and future

It's been a year since I started my weight loss journey and I wanted to do a little bit of review in this blog.  First of all, I wanted to show you a few pictures that prove that I haven't always been on the heavy side of the scales.

14th Birthday - of course I'm eating cake!!

Senior Graduation 1977

Wedding 1978 - 18 years old

Here's where the problem started.  In less than 10 years, I had two children and doubled my wedding day weight.  So, in December 1988 I decided to have my stomach stapled in hopes that I could get back to a "normal" size.

Night before I had my stomach stapling surgery - December 1988

I think over all, I lost 60 pounds after this surgery.  Even though your stomach is the size of a walnut, I found out real quick what foods I could eat that wouldn't hang up in the staples.  Ice cream was basically what I lived on.  As I've stated in a previous blog, this surgery did not work for me. The desire to eat was still there and it didn't matter how big or little my stomach was.


I continued to fight my weight over the next 20+ years.  I tried so many different diets and spent a lot of money on weight loss programs.  All the time becoming more and more unhappy, unhealthy and unsociable.  I was totally miserable.  Hated myself and most of the people around me.  However, I was able to keep a job and most of the time fooled the people around me by acting like I had everything together.

Mother's Day 2001

In 2003 our son, Jason got married.  I was actually able to lose 100 pounds for his wedding. 

July 26, 2003

I immediately went back to my old eating habits and of course the weight returned.  So did my depression and self hatred. 


Mother's Day 2007 - am I really fooling anyone with that smile??

The weight continued to pile on!  I hate the following picture, but it really represents how far I allowed myself to "self-destruct".  I can't describe how I felt whenever I first saw this picture.  Denial didn't work anymore.  This was really me.




Oops, it's the next picture. Actually this picture looks a lot better than I do. 



I even looked "shocked" in this picture.

Something had to change!  I knew I was wasting the life that God had given me.  I have always prayed that God would help me lose weight.  I believe in the power of prayer, but there were issues within myself that needed to be changed before it was going to show up on the outside.


During this time, I started going to Bible College.  I thought this would be the best way I could change and become a better person.  No immediate change was noted.  However, as I perservered my thoughts started lining up with the Word.  In 2010, I went through a self-evaluation period.  I realized that I had settled into a comfort zone that God never intended me to be in.  I had no goals.  I didn't think that my life would ever change.  My future was something that I really never even thought about.  I just tried to get through each day.  God in His loving kindness revealed to me that even though I had given up on myself that His plans for me had never changed.  He knew I had value and gifts within me because (duh!) He's the one who put them there in the first place.  :)

In June 2011, I started my journey:

 

By Christmas, I had lost 70 lbs.!

 

May 2012, 90 lbs gone for ever!!! (my mom seems pretty happy too!)

We are now at the "year" mark and I have lost a total of 93 lbs.  My inital goal was to lose 100 pounds by now.  However, I am extremely happy with my progress.  My journey is not over, not by a long shot.  Of course I plan to lose more weight, but more importantly, I have goals now.  I have plans.  I embrace my future with excitment and anticipation.  My weight has consumed my life for too many years.  Life has so much to offer and I have missed out on so much.  But, God is good.  He is a God of second, third, fourth.... chances and I'm so happy that I'm finally on track with His plans for my future.



All together I am down 134 lbs. from my heaviest weight in 2002



Broken relationship is sometimes a good thing!

Wow!  A lot has gone on in my life since my last blog.  May is a special month for me because for one, it's my birthday month (just turned 53 last week) but this year I also became a first year graduate of Bible College.  That probably sounds like a simple task to complete, but for me it's been a 5 year ordeal.  Because I work, I am not able to go to school full time.  Therefore, it's taken me much longer to obtain the necessary requirements for graduation.  At one point, I was so discouraged that I totally dropped out for a year.  Why bother?  Who gives a rip?  Very negative time in my life.  I had to reevaluate why I was going to school in the first place.  Did God call me to do this or was it just something I decided to do?  What a crazy question.  Do you think that the devil would actually convince me to go to Bible College?  Sure, he wants me to learn more about the Word so I can defeat him in a greater measure.  I DON'T THINK SO!!  Truly, this desire for knowledge came from God.  In my experience He doesn't change His mind, so in order for me to get to the next level in my life I must complete the last assignment He gave me.  So, this time next year I will have achieved my Associates Degree in Practical Biblical Theology. 

Now, here's the question for you.  Have you ever started something and didn't finish it?  If you're honest, the answer for most would be "yes".  I do believe that some of the things we start should be abandoned because we realize that we've missed God.  However, there are other times when you know that God has called you to do something and you start out strong, but maybe it got too hard and you gave up.  I truly believe that until you go back and finish the last thing God asked you to do that you will not be able to move forward to the next step He's prepared for you. 

Of course this brings me back to my own journey.  How many times have I started out to lose weight and fell off the wagon.  Over, and over and over again!  Of course it's hard.  You're having to bring your flesh (which has been the boss for years) under control.  I truly believe you cannot do this on your own.  It takes the support of your family, friends, and most importantly, the wisdom of God.  How bad do you want it?  Are you willing to sacrifice moments of pleasure for a life of health and vitality?  I am. 

Recently we went on a camping trip with our kids and grand kids. We had a great time together and my daughter-in-law made a comment afterwards that was revelation to me.  She said she could tell that I had totally changed my relationship with food.  She's right!  I have broken the relationship between me and food.  It use to be my life!  I couldn't live without certain foods.  I was head-over-hills in love with food.  It was comfort, pleasure, my best friend, my passion, and on and on.  I ate when I was happy, sad, disappointed, excited, and even when I was sick.  I never stopped eating. YIKES!  Talk about a love/hate relationship that was out of control and abusive.  It was killing me and I couldn't stop.

So how did this change come about?  What event happened in my life that stopped this cycle of self abuse?  Answers to these questions and more will appear in my June blog.  This one is already why too long.  Sorry.

BTW, I haven't reached my 100 lb goal yet, but I will.  I've fallen off the wagon a couple of times but I always get back up.  Food is not going to be my God and control me any longer!!  You haven't failed until you fail to get back up. 

It's never too late to start, and it's always too early to quit.  :)

Renewed Perspective

I love Wednesday; it's my favorite day of the week. Why?

• It marks the middle of the workweek
• It's my day off
• It's the day I go to college and learn how to become more like Christ
• Then I go to church that night and learn how to put that knowledge to work
• It's one of the 3 days that I make it to the gym 

Although these are all true and good reasons, they are all secondary to the real reason I love Wednesday. Ready for the answer? I love Wednesday because it is the day that I get a fresh start every week. I go and weigh in every Tuesday night at Weight Watchers so my week officially ends that night. Wednesday morning my weekly point allowance resets to 49, all the mistakes I made the week before are erased and I have a fresh slate to work with. It is so refreshing. I love it. I look forward to it.

This week I really need for my "Wednesday" to get here quickly. I've really had a tough week and I have seen old habits trying their best to creep back into my life. I've been having some health issues (totally not related to my weight loss) which have resulted in my taking some new medication. My body has not accepted this very well and I have not seen a lot of weight loss over the last few weeks. It is very discouraging and I must admit it's been a struggle to keep my focus.

Tonight at Weight Watchers I only lost 1.2 lbs. However, I dropped down into a bracket that I have not seen in at least 28 years. 28 YEARS!!!! I was so surprised when I looked back at my records and realized that. I may not be losing weight as rapidly as I would like, but I am still losing. I have come so far. I am healthier. I have so much more energy. My clothes are so much smaller. Sometimes we tend to focus more attention on what we don't have and overlook what we have been blessed with.

Thank you God for reminding me of how far I've come. I definitely have a renewed perspective of where I am and look forward to where my journey will take me tomorrow.

 
Thank you to everyone who has encouraged me along the way.  You mean more to me than you will ever know!

Exercise - the next step

Must admit that I do not like to exercise.  I especially don't like to sweat.  It's so unladylike!! However, now that I've lost 80 pounds I realize that this is my next step in getting healthy. I've been overweight for so many years, my skin is going to need some help finding it's way back to where it's suppose to be. So, I go buy some workout clothes, shoes, special exercise socks, arm band for my IPod, pack up my workout bag and head out to the gym.

I'm thinking to myself I'm really going to see my weight loss increase now that I'm burning all these extra calories.  I'd already been doing a lot of walking before starting the gym so I'm expecting big results.  Well guess what?  I gained 5 pounds.  Then I was sick for 3 weeks straight.  This was not in my plans and was certainly not motivation for me to continue.  BUT I AM!  I am at a point in my journey that turning back is not an option. I've talked to a few people and understand now that whenever you start exercising and building muscle that muscle weighs more than fat so you will see a slight weight gain.

The lesson here is not to throw in your sweaty towel!  Keep going and going and eventually you'll enjoy working out.  Just being honest, I have not arrived at that point yet, but I know I will.  My flesh fights me all the time.  However, I know that the spirit of God dwells within me and gives me the strength to do what I need to do.  One of the songs that is on my "workout" play list is "All Things are Possible".  I sometimes have to sing out loud in the gym to keep myself going.  Jessica is usually with me and just rolls her eyes at me. It's Ok.  I'm getting results and also getting my second wind so look out!

Biggest accomplishment since my last blog - I can now wear a size 18 jean.  I'm sure to most of you that still seems huge.  However, when you've wore a size 30-32 jean like me it's amazing!!!   

Man! I didn't see that coming.

PLATEAU – what a horrible word - At least in the “diet” world it is.  Definition: - to remain at a stable level for a relatively long period.  In my case, 4 weeks and counting.  Talk about being discouraged!  You’re doing everything right, you’re eating the right foods, tracking, staying within your points, exercising and BOOM!  Your weight loss slows to a screeching halt.  Being warned ahead of time that this would happen really doesn’t prepare you for when it does.  I was OK for the first couple of weeks, but then 3 weeks and now 4 weeks and still no major breakthrough.  YIKES!!!

So, what does one do?  Go back to your old habits of drowning your disappointments with food?  NO

Get off the program for a few days to give your body a rest and time to reset itself?  NO
Throw out your old scales and buy new ones? NO - Actually that might help.  J
Give up and just accept the fact that the weight is never coming off? NO

 Here’s what I decided to do, even though in the past I did do all the above things and put back on more weight than when I had started.

 1.       Stay on the program and keep doing what I know is right.  The Bible even instructs us to not grow weary in well doing because in time you will reap the rewards of your hard work if you don’t give up.

2.       Remind myself of how far I’ve come.  I have plenty of old pictures to support my journey.

3.       I did a graph of my weight loss and it looks pretty impressive! Downward baby all the way!!!
4.       Look through my closet at all the smaller clothes I have now.
5.       I may not be seeing results on the scales right now, but my clothes tell me I’m losing inches.  To prove that point, I went shopping and bought a size smaller shirt and jeans.  Now that made me feel much better than gorging myself with food and then hating myself afterwards.

Just so there’s no question, I am not quitting!  This difficult time is just proving to make me more focused and determined.  I can do this!  I am 116.25 pounds down from my heaviest weight in January 2000.  This time around, I’ve lost 75 pounds and I am very proud of it!  There's no going back for me.  My rear view mirror has been destroyed.  I will take a closer look at the foods I'm eating and plan on increasing my activity level as well.  I'm sure that will help.

In my next blog, I will let you know how long the plateau lasted.

The holidays are over, but the celebration continues.

Ended the year feeling great about my weight loss journey so far.  This year instead of gaining weight between Thanksgiving and Christmas, I actually lost 10.8 lbs.  That was my Christmas miracle. 

Here are a few of the hi-lights of the last 6 months:

• Got off of my high blood pressure medicine that I'd been taking for 8 years.
• Went through my closet for the first time in at least 25 years and got rid of all the clothes that I had outgrown or knew I would never wear again.  I am amazed at how liberating that felt!
• Was able to bless one of my friends with a bunch of clothes.  Whenever you are morbidly obese, it's very unusual to be given clothes because most of your friends are smaller than you are and their clothes wouldn't fit.  To be able to do for someone else what had never been done for me was such a blessing!
• Quit using a seat belt extender.  Totally awesome!
• Was able to ride a bike for the first time in years.  Great exercise!
• Was able to wear all the "skinny" clothes that have been waiting in my closet for ages.  Some of them are already too big now.  HALLELUJAH!!!
• Last week I went into the pool store to have our water tested.  The lady working there looked at me and said "Oh my gosh - I thought that was you - what have you been doing - you look amazing".  Talk about being motivated to keep going.  That kind of reaction is all it takes. 

Here are my goals for the next 6 months:

• Lose another 40 pounds.  Weight Watchers says that a healthy weight loss is 1/2 to 2 pounds a week.  That's about what I'm averaging now.
• Get into the 100's.  Haven't been there in soooooo long!
• Be able to wear the size 14 and 16 jeans that one of my friends gave me. (Thanks Amanda!!)
• Go to Six Flags and be able to fit into the seats - comfortably!!
• Make exercise a priority.
• Help Jessica and Jerry lose weight too.

Within the next year:

• Finish Bible College
• Get to my healthy weight goal and stay there!!
• Pay off my credit card.  

These are not new year's resolutions by no means.  These are goals that I have set for myself and through perseverance, dedication, diligence and determination, I will accomplish them.  God has set before me life or death and I choose LIFE!

I believe in my future that I will be able to help and encourage other people who are taking the same journey that I've taken. (actually I've already started doing that) I know that I listen more closely to people who have actually lived what they preach.  I have a Weight Watcher's friend that has lost over 100 pounds, looks amazing, and has kept it off for several years.  I listen to her.  She knows what I'm going through and knows what works.  Thanks so much Rebecca for all your knowledge.  You are truly an inspiration.

My personal relationship with Jesus Christ has given me hope, strength and endurance.  His Word encourages me and I know He's always on my side.  I certainly couldn't make this journey without Him. 

Until next month.....